A Minecraft Movie review: 'I am a broken man'

Don't be fooled, A Minecraft Movie is as bad as you think it is. Maybe even worse.

I should have known better. I should have saved myself the trouble. I knew nothing good would have come from going, but I did it anyway.

No amount of words could describe how painfully terrible and pointless A Minecraft Movie is. It’s impressively bad. I went into the film with no expectations and still came out disappointed.

There is such a lack of effort and creativity on show here it’s laughable. Which is crazy considering it's adapting a game known for its endless possibilities and limitless imagination.

I did try and give it the benefit of the doubt. Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess directing, as well as Jack Black, Jason Momoa and Oscar nominated Danielle Brooks being attached was enough to give me some hope that it wouldn’t be completely terrible.

I was wrong.

Jack Black is the titular Steve. He is fed up with his life and the restrictions that come with it. In an attempt to escape from the routine he is trapped in, he decides to run away to the mines, where he discovers a portal to the overworld.

Through some wacky shenanigans, a term I use loosely, siblings Henry (Sebastian Hansen) and Natalie (Emma Myres) along with washed-up gamer Garrett (Jason Momoa) and animal worker Dawn (Danielle Brooks) end up being trapped in the over-world, where they must team up with Steve to return home.

Just re-writing the plot made me audibly groan.

I get it was made for kids, the target demographic was clearly not for 20-year-olds. But as someone who spent an unhealthy amount of time playing the game growing up, there was barely anything to latch onto outside of nostalgia.

I would have been able to forgive this, but even the kids in my cinema didn’t seem like they were having a good time, and I don’t blame them. There was no enjoyment in the air, just a room of people regretting every decision that led them to that room.

It seems like the target audience was infants who will see something colourful and get excited, which is my only guess as to why everything, no matter how basic, is explained.

Show not tell is clearly a technique these screenwriters had never heard of.

I like Jack Black, but his over-the-top explanations every five seconds became so irritating, which on top of how annoyed I was already is not a good mix.  Both Black and Momoa really commit to this role, which is more than can be said for the rest but it becomes overbearing very quickly.

The only truly positive thing I can muster up about this film is the CGI in the overworld. Despite some patchy moments, mainly the uncanny creatures that act as an obstacle for the group, they do well at translating the world into live action. AT the very least it was good to look at.

But what annoyed me the most, more than the unnecessary Jack Black song and the other hundreds of things that were terrible, was a line towards the end. A line so egregious, that I considered not only walking out of the cinema but starting a new career altogether.

“First we mine, then we craft.” Are we joking? Is this all one big joke at our expense? Not only is it a terrible line, but it doesn’t make sense. No one has ever said that while playing this game. They don’t even mine afterwards? Are we sure this wasn’t written by AI? Why does this exist? Seriously, who thought this would be a good idea? I can’t believe it's going to make so much money.

I am a broken man. A Minecraft Movie has broken me.

Rating: ⭐